Six Red Flags When Dating

Last weekend, while attending a barbeque with friends, I overheard a twenty-something woman state that her mother changed men like she changed her underwear. I knew whom she was talking about. Lorna, a woman I’ve known since I moved to Ohio ten years ago, and have enjoyed her easy sense of humor, great compassion for animals, and her photography talents that have won her awards.  I’ve always enjoyed her company, as Lorna is a middle-aged woman who has also raised three children as a single mother since 1999. We’ve traded many a war story as two divorced women juggling kids, jobs, and struggling to find five minutes of peace in our hectic lives. Her daughter’s comment got me thinking about my own time of dating after divorce.

            Like my friend, I’d had my share of dating men until I felt like there just weren’t any who I could grow any sort of attachment. Then I started to analyze why that was so.

            Many of us were raised in a traditional dad-went-to-work, mom-raised-the-kids types of home. Girls were taught to sacrifice their own needs for the greater good of the rest of the family. Mom never failed to have dinner on the table when dad got home along with his newspaper and slippers ready. The laundry was done, neatly folded, and put away. She made sure the cookie jar was always full for the friends that showed up after school. And she cleaned as if every day were spring. Mom’s job was to teach her daughters how to be good little housewives and mothers. It seemed to have been taken for granted that with all of the on the job training we got where was the most important instruction, which was choosing our men carefully when the time came.

            Below is a list of the types of men that women need to think twice about before furthering a relationship. If any of these red flags wave in your mind after meeting a man, tread carefully.

Mama’s Boy

            This is the man who never moved out on his own. His mother has coddled and babied him since birth, and he is now way over 21 with no impetus to improve his situation. Why should he? Mama does his laundry, cooking, takes his messages, lets him use her car, cleans up his messes, and even makes his bed. Hooking up with a mama’s boy will only take the weight of the responsibility of him off Mama and on you. Do you really want a relationship where you will become mother to another child? 

The Ex-Con

            Walk this path with extra caution. While some men change after a stint in jail or prison, many more do not. These men have learned how to cheat, connive, and fool people to get what they want even if it means putting them in legal consequences.

The Religious Fanatic

            When two people agree on a religion or spiritual standards together this can cement a great relationship. But as with all things, moderation is the key word. When a man can think or talk of nothing else but his religious beliefs, praising God every other word, or becomes angry when confronted about ideas different from his, walk away. Religion and spirituality are two different concepts. Fanaticism of any kind is dangerous.

The Lazy Man

            Many men become lazy due to their upbringing in a traditional family where the mother takes care of the entire household and their needs. This type of man has learned that once he returns home from work, his job is done. He will never help with the kids, cooking, laundry, or much else without a fight. You, however, will work long hours tending to the needs of the whole family, including him. Stress will become your nemesis and restful sleep a luxury. Are you willing to take on such a load dreaming of the day when the children are all grown so you have time to accomplish what’s important to you? By then, it’s doubtful you’ll have enough health and energy left to do so.

The Workaholic

            Working for a living is a blessing. However, men who are workaholics live at the office. You may see him on a weekend day, if you’re lucky. Forget having this man join you and the children at the school plays, recitals, scout meetings, conferences, enjoying a family night at the movies, or even a romantic date alone.  His work is his life – the most important part of living where his priorities are making money and/or getting ahead in the company. This type of man makes for a lonely, frustrated life for both you and the children.

The Job Shuffler

            Unlike the workaholic, this man can’t seem to keep a job. There are many reasons for this lack of responsibility, but know there’s nothing you can do to change it. The Job Shuffler can’t seem to focus on the bigger picture, leaving you to worry about how the family is going to manage financially. There is no bigger stress on relationships than worries about paying the bills. This man also doesn’t care about improving himself educationally in order to find permanence in a good career. He also has huge self-esteem problems, watches TV all day, snacks, drinks, and lays around while you work to make ends meet. Forget about planning for a house, vacation, or other significant expense. There won’t be any money.

            I can hear it now – “But I can help him!”  “But I can change him!”  “But I love him!”

            Get those words out of your vocabulary. Because we were taught to be nurturers from the cradle to the grave, women have a habit of thinking they can somehow magically get a man to change his personality and become the man of their dreams.

            Most divorces are caused from spouses going blindly into a relationship with the misconceived idea that once he changes, everything will be great. Not true.

            Love is simply not enough when dealing with one of the above types of men or in any relationship for that matter. If you care and he doesn’t – you will have nothing but long arguments with no resolution in sight. You can’t make another person care the way you care. You can discuss, teach, try to persuade, but you will rarely be able to change a man.

            Women’s innate nature to nurture and teach needs to be saved for raising children, not grown men. Keep your eyes wide open and always listen for that still, small voice that tells you something just isn’t quite right. You’ll save yourself a lifetime of heartache.