Six Red Flags When Dating

Last weekend, while attending a barbeque with friends, I overheard a twenty-something woman state that her mother changed men like she changed her underwear. I knew whom she was talking about. Lorna, a woman I’ve known since I moved to Ohio ten years ago, and have enjoyed her easy sense of humor, great compassion for animals, and her photography talents that have won her awards.  I’ve always enjoyed her company, as Lorna is a middle-aged woman who has also raised three children as a single mother since 1999. We’ve traded many a war story as two divorced women juggling kids, jobs, and struggling to find five minutes of peace in our hectic lives. Her daughter’s comment got me thinking about my own time of dating after divorce.

 

            Like my friend, I’d had my share of dating men until I felt like there just weren’t any who I could grow any sort of attachment. Then I started to analyze why that was so.

 

            Many of us were raised in a traditional dad-went-to-work, mom-raised-the-kids types of home. Girls were taught to sacrifice their own needs for the greater good of the rest of the family. Mom never failed to have dinner on the table when dad got home along with his newspaper and slippers ready. The laundry was done, neatly folded, and put away. She made sure the cookie jar was always full for the friends that showed up after school. And she cleaned as if every day were spring. Mom’s job was to teach her daughters how to be good little housewives and mothers. It seemed to have been taken for granted that with all of the on the job training we got where was the most important instruction, which was choosing our men carefully when the time came.

 

            Below is a list of the types of men that women need to think twice about before furthering a relationship. If any of these red flags wave in your mind after meeting a man, tread carefully.

 

Mama’s Boy

 

            This is the man who never moved out on his own. His mother has coddled and babied him since birth, and he is now way over 21 with no impetus to improve his situation. Why should he? Mama does his laundry, cooking, takes his messages, lets him use her car, cleans up his messes, and even makes his bed. Hooking up with a mama’s boy will only take the weight of the responsibility of him off Mama and on you. Do you really want a relationship where you will become mother to another child? 

 

The Ex-Con

 

            Walk this path with extra caution. While some men change after a stint in jail or prison, many more do not. These men have learned how to cheat, connive, and fool people to get what they want even if it means putting them in legal consequences.

 

The Religious Fanatic

 

            When two people agree on a religion or spiritual standards together this can cement a great relationship. But as with all things, moderation is the key word. When a man can think or talk of nothing else but his religious beliefs, praising God every other word, or becomes angry when confronted about ideas different from his, walk away. Religion and spirituality are two different concepts. Fanaticism of any kind is dangerous.

 

The Lazy Man

 

            Many men become lazy due to their upbringing in a traditional family where the mother takes care of the entire household and their needs. This type of man has learned that once he returns home from work, his job is done. He will never help with the kids, cooking, laundry, or much else without a fight. You, however, will work long hours tending to the needs of the whole family, including him. Stress will become your nemesis and restful sleep a luxury. Are you willing to take on such a load dreaming of the day when the children are all grown so you have time to accomplish what’s important to you? By then, it’s doubtful you’ll have enough health and energy left to do so.

 

The Workaholic

 

            Working for a living is a blessing. However, men who are workaholics live at the office. You may see him on a weekend day, if you’re lucky. Forget having this man join you and the children at the school plays, recitals, scout meetings, conferences, enjoying a family night at the movies, or even a romantic date alone.  His work is his life – the most important part of living where his priorities are making money and/or getting ahead in the company. This type of man makes for a lonely, frustrated life for both you and the children.

 

The Job Shuffler

 

            Unlike the workaholic, this man can’t seem to keep a job. There are many reasons for this lack of responsibility, but know there’s nothing you can do to change it. The Job Shuffler can’t seem to focus on the bigger picture, leaving you to worry about how the family is going to manage financially. There is no bigger stress on relationships than worries about paying the bills. This man also doesn’t care about improving himself educationally in order to find permanence in a good career. He also has huge self-esteem problems, watches TV all day, snacks, drinks, and lays around while you work to make ends meet. Forget about planning for a house, vacation, or other significant expense. There won’t be any money.

 

            I can hear it now – “But I can help him!”  “But I can change him!”  “But I love him!”

            Get those words out of your vocabulary. Because we were taught to be nurturers from the cradle to the grave, women have a habit of thinking they can somehow magically get a man to change his personality and become the man of their dreams.

            Most divorces are caused from spouses going blindly into a relationship with the misconceived idea that once he changes, everything will be great. Not true.

            Love is simply not enough when dealing with one of the above types of men or in any relationship for that matter. If you care and he doesn’t – you will have nothing but long arguments with no resolution in sight. You can’t make another person care the way you care. You can discuss, teach, try to persuade, but you will rarely be able to change a man.

            Women’s innate nature to nurture and teach needs to be saved for raising children, not grown men. Keep your eyes wide open and always listen for that still, small voice that tells you something just isn’t quite right. You’ll save yourself a lifetime of heartache.

 

 

           

 

           

           

           

 

 

This Section...

Welcome to In Favor of a Balanced Life Other Section.This is where we'll approach more areas of life you may need improvement in order to gain a more joyful, abundant life.

Our purpose is to teach and share vital aspects for living your best life through our experiences and vast knowledge we have obtained in the last forty years during our own quest for living a fulfilling and happy life.

Comments, questions, concerns are always welcome. Our door is always open.

Children and Divorce

Five Child Behavior Problems to Watch for with Divorce

 

Children from detached families bear a larger chance of behaving poorly in school, particularly teenagers. Many studies evidence that adolescents of split up homes are doubly as likely to quit school. Elaine Shimburg, author of The Complete Single Father advises both parents that whenever "school assignments are suffering, offer to get together with the teacher so the children recognize that you are a team when it comes to your kids."  

2. Rapport with brothers and sisters  

At some stage of a divorce, parents have an inclination to give elder siblings a parental-type function over their more youthful siblings. Additional assistance around the household may be rationalized; however, youngsters need to be afforded the care-giving job of a grownup.  

3. Grandparents  

Grandparents may supply valued sustenance throughout a split up between parents. Children who bear close kinships with their grandparents will bear less readjustment troubles. There has always been a kind of unspoken bonding that takes place between children and their grandparents, which can give the children a sense of comfort and safety.

4. Spare time

Babies and tots demand additional reinforcement during creative play for it's during this time when small children are learning about the world around them and where they fit in. School-age kids could start to sneak or get hostile. Teenagers may enlist in incorrigible acts or get asocial. It's critical that the communication lines are open so that teens have an outlet for their concerns, fears, and someone to talk to when comfort is needed.

5. Perspective on life 

Teenagers of divorced households sustain a greater probability of beginning to smoke or experiment with drugs. Many acquire crushed self-respect and become downhearted. Smaller children might experience depression while preschoolers may feel accountable because of the divorce. The National Association of Social Workers admonishes "not to panic" if feelings of deprivation happen accompanying the breakup, but "if feelings and behaviors do not begin to diminish after a few months seek counseling." 

 

 

The Power of a Smile

Books and articles about good parenting have been published by the tens of thousands over the last many decades swinging a pendulum about every ten years to and fro with the extremes of raising happy, healthy children through perfect parenting.  So why are we, as a country, no closer to bringing up our kids without drug, alcohol, behavior, academic, and social problems?  

            Because there is no such thing as perfect children…or parents.

            We can only teach our children to the best of our abilities as we go along with the knowledge and experience we gained when we were children ourselves.  I believe that, as parents, we have a responsibility through continuous education about how to be the best we can be in the lives of our children. It’s so much easier said than done, I know.

            Time is a major factor in this day and age. There simply isn’t enough of it to go around it seems. With only having so many hours in a day, parents must decide their priorities while most moms and dads both work to meet their financial obligations at the same time. It’s become a scary world to live in with the downward spiraling economy causing families to cut back and putting in extra hours for that paycheck each week.

            One might be surprised how little time it can take to stop and pay attention to what’s going on within the family unit. A smile here and a hug there take but a few seconds but becomes a precious moment that children are unlikely to forget in that tiny window of time as the ritual continues year after year. The power of a smile is not to be taken for granted. It’s a mighty tool that can keep a kid on track, showing that he/she is worthy of your attention, acceptance, and affection, which is what they strive for. The results are more lasting than you may think.       

            Small children are not that complicated. A bit of time in a tickle fest laughing together, building a moment of true love and validation, can mean the difference between a good day and a bad one for a child.

            Give it a try. Parents also need validation that we’re doing the best job we can. There’s nothing like gazing upon a son or daughter’s reaction after a few short minutes of undivided attention and fun to do just that.

             It’s most often the littlest things that really count the most.

 

 

Coffee and Infertility

Caffeine and Infertility: What You Should Know

 

The causes of infertility are often due to more than just one reason. While women will automatically assume the problem lies within herself, and will rush to make an appointment with an infertility specialist, when one of the problems could be the types of beverage intake. The importance of weeding out possible external reasons first could save you time, pain, and money. Many women assume that the reasons for the infertility are complicated and probably will require extensive exams, calendar timing, and probing.

            Considerable research had been done about the effects of caffeine and infertility. Early studies concluded that coffee, tea, chocolate, and soda pop didn’t have negative effects on the reproduction system or to the unborn child. Other studies found the opposite. However, researchers didn’t take into consideration other lifestyle factors that might add to infertility, birth defects, or miscarriages.

            We are blessed in this day of more thorough research and modern medical miracles. Now we have access to much of the research being done so that we can eliminate the lesser causes ourselves, saving a lot of the grief and time consuming methods at the gynecologist’s office.

            The newest evidence is believed to prove decisively that caffeine does indeed induce miscarriages. The January 2008 study by The American Journal of Obstetrics and Gynecology, states that pregnant women drinking more than 200 milligrams of caffeine a day, which is the same as about two cups of coffee, stand to have double the risk of miscarriage as women who consume no caffeine at all.

            The reason caffeine is so detrimental when pregnant is because it can be absorbed by the placenta into the unborn child causing difficulty in metabolizing the caffeine. It can also effect the cell development and lessen the flow of blood to the placenta. This is called vasoconstriction, which means restrictive blood flow that can cause a miscarriage or considerably low birth weight. Caffeine can also cause colic, agitation, and inability to sleep when ingested through breast milk when the mother drinks more than one cup of coffee a day.         

            For many of us with a great desire to conceive a baby, quitting coffee, soda, tea, and hot chocolate consumption is a sacrifice when those beverages have become a staple in providing more energy in our day.  Just think of the needed abstinence as temporary until conception has been achieved and nursing is over. Chances are that once the intake of these beverages is stopped, and you have become used to being caffeine-free, you will notice that you feel much better anyway. Decaffeinated beverages are always a viable choice. You still get the taste, but lose the dangerous effects to your unborn baby.

Parenting in the New Millenium

Welcome!


Whether children have a two parent family, a single parent, foster parents, or extended family raising the children, the challenges we all face sometimes seem insurmountable. Every stage children go through from infant to tweens, teens, young adult, and beyond, we never stop being parents, although sometimes we may wish differently.

There are plenty of joys of parenthood! It's those times when looking through photo albums and reminscing that we are reminded of the best times we had together looking forward to more wonderful memories together.

The times we struggle to find answers to our challenges as parents are the times when we gain the best in wisdom and education allowing us to  carry on through this noble quest of raising healthy children.

Healthy Parenting brings you a host of articles meant to provide  the education needed of ways to help make your family happier, more productive, and providing answers to the tests that make all of us step up to the plate of being better parents.

I've been a parent to four special needs children, mother to over 27 foster children in three states, a neighborhood mom to countless others, and a grandparent of six.  Through my decades of experience with children, I also became highly educated in both the classroom, forum, and in valuable life experience.

Comments are always welcome as are suggestions about anything in particular you'd like to have answered.

Children and Internet Safety

Today's society offers manifold reasons why child rearing has

never before been so challenging. It seems that everywhere you look - television, magazines, the music industry, in schools, and even in homes - our children are bombarded with complex choices. But because children aren't mature enough to handle many decision-making selections, we see the consequences of our kids making those preferences based on the impulsiveness of their youth.

Corporations have jumped on the business of Internet content blocking that is supposed to give parents more security that Little Suzie is safe from being a victim of heinous-minded predators online. However, we continue to read about child victims who swallowed every line of potentially dangerous verbiage told them by people who are destructive with our children. They count on the immaturity and the child's innate predisposition to believe anyone who comes along thinking that humanity is inherently good. Children searching for the missing companionship at home are particularly vulnerable. While there was a day when the concept of trust was mostly true, it certainly isn't true today.

Parents can take steps that will help prevent predator disasters of their children. Although some of these tips take extra time and effort on the part of the parent, they are well worth keeping children safe.

1.         If the parent(s) work outside the home put a password on the computer so the child can't access it while you're away. In cases where the child refuses to listen to the rules, some parents have taken the power cord from the computer to work with them.

2.         When the parent is home, put the computer in a place where you can oversee what's going on. If the child quickly minimizes a web page when you look, you know he/she may be hiding something.

3.         Like with anything else children do that they're not supposed to, there should be consequences in place when the child acts inappropriately on the computer.

4.         Educating your children about the dangers that lurk on the Internet is necessary. When noticing a news program about children who have been victims of Internet predators tell your child and talk about it. Communication is the best method of preventing catastrophes and prevents the it-will-never-happen-to-me mindset if kids see real life examples.

5.         There is software that will monitor every stroke typed on the keyboard without the user knowing. Sometimes children lie about their activities because of fear of getting into trouble. With this software, they can see proof of their behavior should you ever need to use it.

6.         With the popular invention of Internet capable cell phones, parental control of child safety on the web is more challenging than ever before. The "everyone has it" excuse doesn't override the necessity of keeping your child safe until he/she is older.

7.         Many communities have classes for parents about the dangers of the Internet and how to keep your child safe. Attending some of these will really open your eyes, as parents who have experienced predator-type problems are usually the speakers.

While technology has given us a whole new world of information and ways to keep close with distant family and friends, nothing is worth taking the chance of allowing Internet predators into the minds and hearts of our children.

Becoming a more aware parent by implementing the tips above will allow you and your family more serenity by providing safety and peace of mind while the parent is away from home.